In exactly 6 months from yesterday, I’ll be 30.
Yes, sis. Sure will.
I’ll be honest—At first, it was taking me a while to get my thoughts together for this post, mainly because I wanted to be extra careful about the way I presented this message. But then I thought, “fuck it,” and proceeded-- for the most part, to write off the cuff. Minimal edits, quick but thorough scan for context, grammar and punctuation, perhaps a gif or tree *Birdman voice* and done.
Because there’s nothing like (almost) 3 decades of real life-- aka lessons, to put shit in perspective.
Allow me to explain: The road to 30 has been met with more challenges than I ever knew were possible, and in particular, ones I thought I would NEVER see. They’ve caused tears, bruises--both to my ego and to my body, hyperventilation, depression, and everything in between. This particular road, was like D.C. streets after a snowstorm, bumpy as THEE fuck --especially from the tail end of year 27 to parts of year 29.
It felt like nonstop shenanigans. Life, love, finances, direction, all not working in my favor.
Or so I thought.
And then slowly, but surely, I felt something shifting. On the way to the inevitable foolishness, I began to feel an understanding of sorts. A clarity-- permission to be unabashedly and unapologetically myself; to figuratively and literally shrug my shoulders when things don't go my way, and chalk it up to the ideology that said thing (or person…because, SIS! ) is simply not for me.
Don’t get me wrong--It's not apathy. Quite the contrary, actually. It feels more like freedom. There’s a certain je ne sais quios about the confidence that I’ve been developing. To grasp that, although I listen to “Flawless” on repeat during the last 5 minutes on the stair stepper, I am in fact a flawed human. The best part? Not stressing it. Not sweating it.
Those of y’all who know me, know that I’m a very deep thinker. And with those deep thoughts often comes intense levels of reflection an introspection that have, at times, led me to be super hard on myself and borderline self-loathing.
And while it took me a LONG while to accept my humanity, I’m also appreciative of the growth that took place in the process. This growth means that I’m emotional, slightly dramatic with a big personality, (I just call it having a lot of feelings), to understand that I’ll probably always be that way, AND it be 100% OK.
Them: You’re so dramatic.
It means standing firm in my beliefs, but also maintaining the ability to be flexible.
It means living life on my terms, and doing my absolute best with confidence in my abilities. It means consistently taking inventory of who is for me, and ensuring that I reciprocate the love that is shown to me. It means that there will be certain things and situations that I’ll want to change, and won’t be able to. But it also means taking ownership of my future, responsibility for myself, making adjustments, and changing the things that I can if I don't find them to be suitable. It means not everyone will understand or love me. All of which are ok.
In essence, I’ve packed up all my fucks and I’ve donated them to Good Will. I don’t need them.
It may sound like a simple ass concept, but hear me when I say I struggled with it. As someone who grew up without a silver spoon, or any spoon for that matter--I was likely eating with my hands— I’ve been overly ambitious since as far back as I can remember. That ambition kept me so lazer focused, heads down, and engrossed in the hustle, that I’d forget to enjoy the process. I’d forget to take care of myself. I’d forget that there’s bigger things in life than staying exactly on the path that I’ve mapped out. That the frustration would build up because I had exact and precise expectations for myself, that to a degree, were out of my control. I’d forget to give myself room and space. I wasn't selfish enough.
The road to 30 doesn’t mean the trials and tribulations will disappear. In fact, the closer I get, the more they seem to make themselves known. I know that sometimes I'll come home, and they'll just be sitting on the couch like, "hey girl!" The difference now is, that when they come at me, I possess a wealth of knowledge, experience, growth, peace that surpasses all understanding, finesse, and just the right amount if IDGAF to deal with it and not let it defeat me.
It means that I spend a significant amount of time investing in my own happiness. That it comes first and I’ll all that's necessary and then some to keep myself joyful. It means following my dreams and enjoying the journey that I'm on to get there. It means letting the fuck go of things that do not serve me. It means that the hand I was dealt isn’t the hand that I have to keep. I play it skillfully, but pick up cards as I need to, and put down others when they're no longer working for the game.
Closing in on 30 used to scare me because I felt like anything can happen. Now, the exciting part is, anything can happen.
Govern yourselves accordingly. It only gets. better.