He Said Black Women Don't Submit

This past weekend, I had to have yet ANOTHER conversation/debate regarding the tired ass notion that (some) Black men still seem to have about Black (specifically American born) women... The idea is that, they do want to date/marry us, but are less likely to, because we don’t know how to, “submit.”

*deep sigh*

Furthermore, the general perception is that our counterparts-- women of a different cultural/ethnic background, would be more willing/likely to do so.

The line of reasoning is that women of other cultures, both U.S. born and foreign, tend to stick more closely to traditional roles, while mostly only Black women born and raised outside of this country Ie; Africa and the Caribbean, possess these qualities.

*Angela Rye eye roll*


I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. First things first-- If a particular man doesn't have shit to submit to, why on earth would a woman make the effort to do so? No, I’m not just talking about money or individual finances.  If he hasn’t proven his leadership and ability to make sound decisions, her ‘submissiveness’ would actually be plain old, home grown stupidity.

Additionally, since most of these discussions center around a religious and social ideology, let’s take it a step further. Submission, according to the Good Book that some of y’all ain’t read since it came out, says that this practice is for none other than WIVES to their HUSBANDS. (And for spouses to submit to each other, but no one wants to talk about that part-- I digress.) 

Not her male acquaintance. Not a man she’s dating or the father of her child(ren). Not her cut buddy. Not Tee-Tee from down the street. Not the gentleman who purchased all of her Cîroc Coconut and cranberries last week at the day party, and certainly not her boyfriend, or fiancée.

Not na’n one of them.

Even if a woman is not the religious type, or doesn’t closely align herself with “traditional’ gender roles, she may still recognize or even value the idea of having her man be the proverbial head of household. There's a dynamic in it-- a balance if you will.

“How will I know if she can submit if she doesn’t while we’re dating?”, asks Black Boyfriend.

Thank you for your question. 

Put it like this: You’d like to illustrate your ability to be her husband so you do certain things—court her, be consistent and act like you have sense. You’re NOT her husband so you don’t do everything that a husband does. If she wants to be a wife, she can illustrate that same thing in different ways—preparing some meals, ( I prefer the idea of cooking together) and keeping HER home presentable, (not cleaning yours like she lives there or she's The Help) for example. 

But until she is actually married, performing wife duties is asinine. It’s akin to doing the work of the President but receiving the job title and salary of the Secretary. Some ladies are really falling for the okie doke.  Ever wondered what happened to the cow that gave away all her milk during binge watching weekends of Power? She still might be waiting to be bought.

Exhibit A

Exhibit A

The same goes with the submission concept. As my significant other, I will absolutely take your opinion into consideration, and show you the utmost respect, but when will I start to think about deferring to you?

*cues ups music, warms up glutes, in preparation for entire choreography routine for Exhibit A* ---> 

Oh, you don’t need me to do that?


*puts away leotard*

My point is, the idea that Black, American women don’t know how to, or refuse to allow their men to take some form of leadership (in the traditional or non traditional sense), is a broad and somewhat insulting generalization that is rooted in harmful stereotypes.  In the conversations I’ve had with some black men,  historical context is often ignored, Ie; Angry Black Woman, Mammy, Matriarch and Jezebel, and dismissed under the guise of “preference." When in reality what it sometimes seems like is that when a non-Black woman argues with you, it’s normal—If a Black woman does, it’s angry and non-submissive.

Additionally, I'd surmise that the so called validity in that stance rests less on actual experience, more on one sided stories that have been skewed in perception and MOST to do with fragile ass ego.

Exhibit B

Exhibit B

It also it leads me to believe that some of y’all don’t even know what the submission dynamic IS… (Hint—it’s not when someone just goes along with whatever you say) –Oh the irony in Exhibit B is truly scrumptious.

But, I digress.

I will say at this:

Ladies, if you don’t trust his judgement—obviously these things take some time-- then you shouldn’t be with him. It’s as simple as that. He can’t be a good leader/partner in your potential future home and nuptials if you’re always questioning his decisions. Find yourself someone who you believe is of sound mind, and has proven that to you.

The myth that Black women won’t follow a true, good man’s lead is unintelligible, hurtful and harmful at best and it's about time that it be dismantled. And ladies, don’t let Tee-Tee and ‘nem tell you any different.